The structure of your life is in your hands. Making sure your roots are healthy, deep enough and in a fertile place. Growing a strong trunk that can support what you want to do and who you want to be. Reaching your branches out into the right areas and directions. Putting out foliage that shows who you are. Producing flowers to attract who you need in your life. Growing fruit that is the satisfying product of your life for your self and those you wish to nourish.
What would you like to have happen? What keeps happening? What do you want to stop or avoid? and What do you want to have happen?
Being clear about the structure you wish to create is the first step to a satisfying, fun, happy and joyful life.
But how do you actually make the change? I know what I want but I cant seem to change it
First when you know what you want, articulate that want to yourself, as a clear, behavioural, timed desired outcome. And it needs to be your behaviour. You can't make other people do what you want them to. If you can't do that, then maybe break down what you want into smaller chunks and start off with a smaller piece. Often the desired outcome being too big is why you can't seem to change it. Once you have a desired outcome that is clear, behavioural and timed, check what the effects of this being achieved are going to be. What are the consequences? Do you you want or can you live with them all or are there some things that would happen that you really don't want. This can be the reason you haven't done it so far. Then generate several options for what you can do to bring it about. Often getting hooked on one way of doing something instead of seeing a range of possibilities stops us from getting there. If you have done all that and found a plan that seems realistic then stick at it for 30 – 45 days trying to do the new behaviour. That's how long it takes to create a new unconscious habit to replace the old unconscious habit.
That may sound simplistic. You have not said what the change you want to make is so I can only give you the general formula. You may need some 1:1 guidance in applying the process the first few times, and/or for a hard well rooted habit.
I have read a bit of your blog and see that this question is in the context of a lot of pain and rage. It's not easy to apply these techniques when your feelings are so high, but it is possible if you can focus on one piece at a time. The psycho-dynamic process takes a very different approach to change and you may not be able to do both at once.
If you want to try this, and want to do so in a less public forum please email me.