Self Esteem Promoting Behaviour

Date: February 4, 2015

Author: Ann Ingham

Categories: CBT, psychotherapy, self help

Low self esteem is created by biased thinking. Biased against yourself.

Have you been complimented and thought “Oh! that was nothing” or “It is what anyone would do” or “It wasn’t very good really” or ” I should have tried harder” or something similar? This is discounting a compliment, and it results in failing to get a positive emotion from the compliment. It is also heard by your mind, which then in effect deletes the compliment from the record, resulting in you losing out on something which would build self esteem.

Have you ever seen a look on someones face and they weren’t saying anything and thought “They don’t like me” or “They think its my fault” or “I have upset them” or something similar? This is mindreading, and results in a bad feeling. The thought is recorded as the truth by your mind and contributes towards reducing your self esteem.

Have you ever been with someone who was upset and ranting? Have you thought “They are upset with me?” or “I must put this right” or “I am to blame” or “Its my fault” or something similar? This is taking responsibility for others feelings and problems, and results in feeling to blame for everything that goes wrong, which lowers your self esteem.

What would happen if instead of this type of behaviour you tried something different?

What would happen if, when someone complimented you, you said “thank you” , just “thank you” and no internal mental commentary?

What would happen if a person says nothing you think “They like me”

What would happen If they rant about something you think “They are mad at life”

What would happen if, only if, someone says very specifically what behaviour of yours upset them, and how it caused them to feel, do you accept responsibility? and then you ask them “what can I do to put that right?” and then you put it right straight away?

Why don’t you try an experiment to find out?

What happens when your thinking is biased the other way? When you are biased in favour of yourself?

If you need help with anything in this post, or this post triggers some strong feelings for you then get therapy now! click here

New Years Resolutions – How are yours doing?

Date: February 20, 2014

Author: Ann Ingham

Categories: CBT, choices, counselling, Lifegoals, psychotherapy, self help

Did you make some new years resolutions? How are they doing? It’s not so easy to change your habits is it?

This is the time of the year when people are taking stock of their lives, examining their progress or lack thereof, and contemplating the path they would like to take in the coming year. You undoubtedly have heard many different ways to set goals in previous years, but this year I would like to invite you to set your course from an existential perspective .

The existential perspective can be seen as an invitation to live and not just a list of things to change. As such, this list will call you to a deeper examination of a more meaningful life, help you to begin to view the upcoming year through an existential lens, and, hopefully, empower you to reclaim and truly own your life.

1. Begin with the end in mind: Although Steven Covey made this statement famous with his goal-setting guidance, the end we’re discussing here is not the end of 2013 but rather the end of your life. Death is not something our culture likes to talk about, but it’s important for living a full life. Imagine how you would live your life if you were diagnosed with a terminal illness or if you were 85 years old. Chances are you would spend more time on the things that really matter, like cultivating relationships, playing more, and worrying less.

2. Practice presence: Practicing presence is mindful engagement with the present moment. A person who is present is one who is aware of his or her own experience and, often, the experiences of others. The present person is one who pays careful attention to what is happening in the now, wherever he or she might be, without allowing outside distractions to invade. Practicing presence will deepen your relationship with your colleagues, family, loved ones, and yourself.

3. Positive thinking? Forget about it: Positive thinking, while having some merit, is one of the ways in which people tend to deny their experience. Positive thinking encourages people to focus on the good things in life while forsaking the darker aspects that life also holds. While I don’t believe that wallowing in sorrow or focusing only on the negative aspects of life is healthy, neither is denying their existence. In fact, denying the experience of negative feelings or experiences can be even more harmful later, when the unresolved emotions arise. This year, work on allowing yourself to have your experience without getting stuck in it. Whatever you’re feeling, let it be and then let it go.

4. Choose freedom (and responsibility): Viktor Frankl said “I recommend that the Statue of Liberty on the East Coast be supplemented by a Statue of Responsibility on the West Coast” because he understood that with freedom comes responsibility. In fact, the two are intricately intertwined. If you really want to be free, you have to take total responsibility for your life. Once you do, you will never again be a victim to people, forces out of your control, or circumstances because no matter what happens, you will always be free to choose how you respond to it.

5. Make the journey the goal: When you focus solely on the outcome or the endgame, you lose the value of the journey—and the journey is the richest part. Although there is value in setting measurable goals, don’t get so consumed with the ending that you miss out on what really matters. If losing weight is your goal, keep the big picture in mind but celebrate the smaller goals along the way. Instead of counting success in pounds lost, consider the success in feeling healthy. Wherever you are in the journey is exactly where you ought to be; enjoy where you are while on the way to where you’re going.

As you progress through this New Year, set your goals and resolutions using an existential perspective. I trust you will find a more poignant, powerful, and meaningful life emerging. Here’s to a vivified existence with renewed courage and will. I wish you health, wellness, love, and hope this year and all years.

If You want more tips on New Years Resolutions

If you want more information about goal setting

If you would like more information about Life-Goals Psychotherapy

4 steps to achieving your goals

Date: September 26, 2013

Author: Ann Ingham

Categories: coaching, counselling, Lifegoals, psychotherapy, self development, self help

Whether you want to quit smoking, find a new job or lose weight, we all have our very own goals. The problem is, they remain just goals for us, and many don’t take action to achieve them. Some proclaim that they don’t have time; others tell us that they’re impossible.

Well, you can achieve your goals. And it doesn’t have to be an uphill battle. All it takes is some hard work and dedication.

Set the goal
The first step is to establish and understand your goals. I find that writing them down on paper is the best way to get the ball rolling. Without knowing where you’re going, you’re never going to get there.

Go into as much detail as you can. This way you’ll be able to break your goals down into chunks and set your targets, which brings me on to my next point…

Create a plan
Know you’ve detailed what it is you want, and where you want to be, you can start to work on your route. Don’t just aim for the main goal; establish smaller goals that will eventually lead you to your final destination.

Example – if you want to quit smoking by a certain date, don’t just aim to have quit by that point. Make smaller goals to help you get there. So, say in a months’ time, you will have cut down by 5 cigarettes a day, and then up that amount each month. Eventually, when you reach your final destination you’ll have cut down to 0 cigs a day.
The plan is going to make achieving your goals a hell of a lot easier.

Act on it
It’s all very well and good setting your goals out and creating a plan, but if you don’t stick to them the whole exercise is pointless.

It isn’t always going to be easy, but hard work pays off. You need motivation to stick to it, so establish treats when you’ve reached certain mini goals.

If you miss one of your mini goals punish yourself. Do whatever you have to. Keeping on track is going to be the hardest part.

Evaluate
If you’re repeatedly missing your mini goals you need to take a step back, evaluate and then readjust. You might not get it right first time, but if you’re able to assess what you’ve achieved and see where you have gone wrong, you can get there.

We can all achieve our goals, regardless of what they are. It isn’t going to happen overnight, and there isn’t a special formula to get there. We’re all individual so it’s about finding out how best you work.

If you would like some help doing these steps contact me for a free discussion of your needs

Good luck!

The Power of your Thoughts

Date: June 26, 2013

Author: Ann Ingham

Categories: choices, counselling, Lifegoals, NLP, psychotherapy, self development

Change your thoughts change your life! Think about it! Our beliefs and assumptions about life are a self fulfilling prophecy. Our minds are programmed to look for confirming evidence to them. We do this because we don’t want to seem mad to ourselves. Unconsciously we need congruence and consistency and for the world to conform to our beliefs. The result is, if we expect bad, that is what we will get, or at least what we’ll perceive happens.

So what would you like to have happen? We naturally move towards goals that we set. Our creative part gets to work without our conscious awareness. So do some housekeeping! Clear out some negative thoughts! Entertain thoughts of hope, and expectations of what you would like to have happen!

There are lots of tools you can use to shape your thoughts and harness their power. If you would like to learn more about them, Contact me now to discuss how you can reach your goals.

Spring

Date: March 15, 2013

Author: Ann Ingham

Categories: choices, coaching, counselling, Lifegoals, NLP, psychotherapy, self development

The spring equinox is nearly here (in the northern hemisphere). This tells us that spring has well and truly arrived. Spring flowers are coming up everywhere. Even through snow in some places.

Is your life showing signs of spring? Have you got some key goals decided for this year? Are your plans beginning? Do you know what steps you need to take to bring about what you want to have happen this year?

Spring Flowers

The cycle of the seasons is a great way to give some structure to your plans and progress in your life. The seasons and festivals of the year provide a natural rhythm which can harness our energy effectively and give shape to our life’s journey.

Now is the time to get started on your projects for this year. If you have not already done so, set your self some goals. Get some help to set goals Now is the time to dream of what you want to be like, doing, who to be with, where you want to be, in a few months or a years time. Specific – What specifically do you want to achieve? Measurable – How will you know when you have achieved it? Time limited – When do you want this by?

Decide on some steps that need to be taken to get to your goal. and get your self going! Help to get motivated?

Are you anxious and feel out of control of what happens?

Date: September 13, 2011

Author: Ann Ingham

Categories: anxiety, CBT, choices, counselling, psychotherapy

A lot of anxiety is caused by feeling out of control. What do you fear will happen? How do you think you can gain control of it? Is there any way that worrying really gives you any control, or do you feel more out of control because you are worrying so much? What we think about tends to come about. Focusing on what you want to have happen, rather than on what you don’t want to have happen, is more likely to lead to happiness for you.

If what you predict happens, what would that mean to you? What would happen next? How could you handle the kinds of problems that you are worrying about? What could you do? Have you been involved in risk management or health and safety management at work? You can see planning for what might happen in your life in the same way. What might happen? If it happened how serious will it be? How likely is it that this might happen (1% – 100% probable)? How much effort is it worth putting in to plans to manage this considering how likely and how serious it is?

Has anything bad happened to you that you were worried about? How were you able to handle that? Are you usually underestimating your ability to handle problems? Many people are far more resilient than they give themselves credit for. Has anything bad happened to you that you were worried about? How were you able to handle that? What can you learn from how you handled that?

What evidence do you have from the past that worrying has been helpful to you and hurtful to you? Worrying and anxiety bring us down, tire us out and depress our immune system. Give yourself a break! Have a laugh! Do some exercise! Enjoy yourself! It’ll do you more good than worrying.

If someone else were facing the events that you are facing, would you encourage that person to worry as much as you? What advice would you give them?

Get help to get a better perspective on what is worrying you. Learn to affirm your ability to cope and be resilient.

Contact me now for effective rapid help with your anxiety

Older and Wiser

Date: August 17, 2011

Author: Ann Ingham

Categories: counselling, NLP, psychotherapy, self development

Older and Wiser Review

What do you think about as your birthday approaches?
Presents you will receive? A fun celebration?
How fast the last year seems to have passed?
Do you wonder what you have done with your year?
Wouldn’t it be good to be able to know that you have had a good year, spent it well and celebrate all the had achieved and learned?

Try doing an older and wiser review with me.

Click here for more information

New Years Resolutions Already faded away?

Date: January 18, 2011

Author: Ann Ingham

Categories: coaching, counselling, Lifegoals, NLP, psychotherapy, self development, self help

Have your New years Resolutions already faded into last week? Feeling guilty about not having more determination and willpower? Here is the inside news – New Years Resolutions are inherently flawed. What you probably wanted to change was a long standing habit that you have been practising for years to get it just flowing from your unconscious without having to remember to do it. Trying to change it by willpower and conscious trying is not an effective method.

The effective way is to re-educate your unconscious to be creating the new habit you want to replace the old habit with.

First decide what you are going to be doing instead of the old habit. Then practise twice a day seeing your self do the new habit and how great you feel about it. Keep up this visualisation for a month. Once you feel a strong desire to do the new habit start it but don’t try to push yourself to do it. Let the pull of the new unconscious perception and motivation work for you.

Between 30 days and 45 days later the new habit will have become established as part of the new you. and it will stay part of you flowing naturally without thinking for ever or until you replace it with a new vision.

For more information click Life-Goals